For awhile now I have felt what feels to be another person inside my head, just as if a new person walks into ones life, this voice did too. I woke up with this persistent bully, this monster, this voice that only started out as a conversation I had in my own mind. The power it took from me acknowledging it, only made it stronger and before I knew it, it was no longer just a voice in my head. It took control of my life. A monster isn’t the ones that lives under your bed and come out at night, it lives in our minds and is out to play all the time, at least mine does.
It is so easy for a person to say don’t interact with it, don’t let it get to you, ignore it. I once knew what it was like to say to a person be better than that, don’t listen, until, I was the person on the other side. At the start I didn’t actually realise what it was, I honestly had no idea and the crazy thing was I could not stop the consistent cycle it was going in. The same words, thoughts, feelings, round and round and round. All I could think was that I am finished, my normal life is gone and this is how it will be for the rest of my unwanted life. Every possible reason went through my head, thinking what I had done to deserve this, what terrible thing did I do to deserve this.
I would wake up and I would fall asleep with the exact same thoughts and fear. My body was drained with the anxiety and my mood was clear signs of depression, I was losing myself each day I woke up. The only way I could explain it was as if I put a song on and it was on repeat and I couldn’t stop it to save myself. I guess like a broken record, but in my head. As it went on disturbing thoughts filled my head, then paranoia and soon to follow were suicidal thoughts. I wanted to die, I wanted this cruel and painful thing to stop and it wouldn’t.
After it feeling like it has been decades, a year later and I still have that voice and yes it still scares me but I guess I just have to hope for the best and hope that it doesn’t take control like that ever again.
Losing myself felt like the worst thing ever and I guess I won’t get that person back but I guess I will just have to be okay with it. In a way I found a new me and I understand this one more than the person before, maybe it is just meant to be or maybe it is my ending.